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I just got back from Benalla! =D
Very relaxing, one-night trip....*lol*
Photos and more info soon to come...
Var
sent a postcard on 5/26/2008
ARGH. Okay, I was on the tram and this guy just suddenly says, "Steph?"
I look up and there is a young asian couple looking at me. My mind is running fast, frantically flicking through the numerous faces I have met over the years in a desperate attempt to figure out who the hell these people are and how they would know my name before they catch onto the fact that I don't know theirs. My mental search is futile, however, and I just end up staring at them stupidly as I say, "...yes?"
Turns out it is one of my ex's friends (we'll call him S). It shouldn't have affected me this much but I still feel this weird combination of residual anger and sadness. It makes me angry to see that S is still able to be friends with his ex, who I think is the girl who he was with (unless they got back together again), when it seems like such a fucking impossiblity with me and mine (D). Is it so hard for us to just be normal??? Is it so hard for him to let me know when he's angry with me or when he's not angry with me instead of leaving me trying to friggin' guess what the hell is on his mind? I mean, when he's ignored ALL my txt msgs (except of course for the ones saying, "Why are you ignoring me?" in which case he replies, "I'm not", before continuing to ignore any other future msgs) is it such a bizarre assumption I might make that he doesn't want to hang out with me when I see him? And then he gets all shitty that I'M the one ignoring him. Tch.
And it just goes to show how little contact I had with his friends or the rest of his life when I can't even remember the face of his almost-best friend. I mean sure, it's not as if I wanted to hang out with his friends and not him, but the implications of him just not inviting me to anything with his friends (or very very few) seems like he's ashamed to be with me. This also applies to the whole family/parents thing.
GRAH. Okay...this is pretty stupid being that we're not together anymore and I don't WANT to be back with him. But I do still love him. Is that weird? To be angry and to still love someone? I don't think he ever realised that I still loved him the whole time, even when I was doing stupid shit. I told him many times that I no longer had feelings for him, but it was all lies, just like when I forced him to say it to me. When you fall in love with someone, is it ever really possible to stop loving them??
I said that I needed him in my life and that wasn't a lie. But circumstances mean that we can't be together no matter how much either of us wants it. Why is it so difficult for us to just be friends?!?!
DAMNIT. I don't want this happening again. For either of them. I don't want to bump into one of their friends or to hear about how happy the other one is overseas with his million other better-than-me girlfriends. >_< I just want to get away from all of this. All these places, all these memories...they are all fixed here in Melbourne.
The first chance I get, I am totally getting the fuck out of here. And not to Canada either. To somewhere where I don't know ANYONE.
Complete displacement.
Var
sent a postcard on 5/13/2008
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