I was at one of those small, independent grocers, my roommate and I standing out amongst all the octogenarians that milled about us. I was waiting in line near the front and my roommate ducked out to pick up one more thing, leaving me alone. I noticed out of the corner of my eye an old man with one of those electric scooters staring at me. I tried to ignore him and ignore my discomfort, hoping that he was just staring out into a middle space which just happened to be located near my face. Unfortunately this was not that case.
He reached out to touch my hand saying, "Darling, darling..." with a thick accent as if it was the only word in his English vocabulary. Once again I made a hopeful speculation that perhaps he simply wanted help with something, but yet again I was wrong. He turned, still holding my hand with his own like I would run away while he wasn't looking. With his other hand, he began digging around in the front basket of his scooter. When he turned back he had a lollipop clutched between quivering fingers, the kind of cheap ones you get in a confectionary mixbag, a flat white disc with red, green and yellow swirls.
Highly disturbed now, I automatically shook my head and stammered, "N-no thank you." He waved it in front of me insistently, but I continued to refuse. The line shifted up and I gratefully used the opportunity to move away, eyes deliberately facing forward. Shortly after (and still out of the corner of my eye), I noticed a woman with a walking frame come up and talk to him, supposing it was his wife, and they eventually left together.
Now isn't the first lesson children are ever taught, "Don't take candy from strangers?" and even more applicable to creepy old men? Somehow, though, I still felt guilty. Maybe it was because of how crestfallen he had looked as he turned away with defeat to put the lollipop back into his scooter basket.
What on earth had motivated him to randomly offer a lollipop to some strange, 22-year-old asian girl? Was it because my chinese genes make me look like I'm 12? Was it simply because he wanted to give something to someone? Or was it just because he had a lollipop that he decided he didn't want and I just happened to be the person nearest at the time?
In retrospect I guess there was no real harm that could have come from accepting his lollipop. I mean, it was hardly as if he could chase me down the block. But I guess that's just the way I am; I am naturally paranoid and distrustful and suspect everyone of ulterior motives. Also I have issues with debts. I don't accept gifts or favours from people who I don't know/trust because I never want to be put in a situation where I feel as if I owe them something.
Maybe my outright rejection of his proffered gift hurt the man's feelings. Maybe if I had taken it and thanked him for his kindness I could have brought a smile to his face. Or maybe as soon as he rode his scooter out of the grocers, Alzheimer's removed all trace of my existence from his memory.
Var
sent a postcard on 8/23/2008
Went to see my shrink today. Told her it would be my last session. I feel like I have things under control again instead of last semester when I was just letting people and events walk all over me without lifting a finger to help myself.
In my discussions with her today, I said, "One of the things I hate most is when people complain about things without even trying to fix them." I think I came to despise myself last semester because I became that person, just moping about shit without actively trying to do anything about it. Now that I am actually solving the problems in my life and confronting issues which have been slowly consuming me, I feel better about myself and about my life in general.
In social psychology, "social mobility belief" is one of the things which distinguishes the adult self-concept from the child's. It is the belief that as individuals, we are able to change our selves and our position in society. I think that that is currently what is driving me; no matter how much I hate myself at any one time, there is always the possiblity of change, reaching towards that seemingly elusive goal of diminishing the discrepancy between my actual and ideal self, to become someone who I can love and accept.
Someone close to me told me that people never change but I disagree. We can all change. There is always hope.
Var
sent a postcard on 8/19/2008
Here is a link to a blog entry by one of my very close and envy-evokingly talented friends. Click the video and let the music play in the background as you read her post (special treat if you've seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - if you haven't seen it...wtf is wrong with you?! go get it now, fool!!). And if you're too lazy to follow the link, then here's the video anyway just cos it's such a beautiful, poignant song and I was listening to it on repeat as I wrote this.
Makes me sad. Very, very sad. I have my own memories of electronic love; the flash of a cheeky side-smile, five seconds delayed, a distant voice from a phone clutched to my ear whilst shivering in the middle of the night to accommodate time zone differences, a text message which says "ditto" but means "I love you". People always say long-distance relationships are hard but to me it was the most easy and natural thing in the world - loving someone back with everything you had in every way available, even if physical contact was the only thing excluded.
I wonder often why we weren't strong enough. I used to get angry, used to get depressed, used to break down so badly that I felt like I would never be able to pick my pieces up.
But now I see that I was so, so lucky. Just to have those moments. Those warm nights with his protective arms wrapped around me, comforting and reassuring, our legs entwined as we shared dreams in our sleep. Those trips away together, his head resting in my lap as I watched the clouds scud past the train window, the shadows of the trees flickering across his peaceful features. Those phone calls that even in the coldest, rainiest weather could make me feel as if I was snuggled up safe at home.
There was a moment in my life when I was loved and was in love.
And that is so much more than many people ever have.
"You may think that I have my head screwed on straight when it comes to relationships and this kind of thing, but I have never ever been in anything as serious or meaningful or real as this, and I am just as clueless as any other guy. All I know is that it's been 6 months and we have talked for like 5 hours in total within the last 24 hours and it doesn't feel like I will ever want to talk to you less."
Var
sent a postcard on 8/15/2008
Okay, so I think it's definite now: this is one of the worst years/worst series of months I've had in my entire life. Now most people know about all the drama I had last month but things were starting to settle down and look better.
Then guess what happened?
MY WALLET GOT STOLEN. Ya, this happened 4 days ago. I don't even know how it happened cos my fat-ass surfer wallet has a chain which I always attach to my bag. AND it also had my keys attached so if someone nicked it, I should've at least heard a jingle. Oh and that reminds me, being that I just mentioned it - MY KEYS WERE ATTACHED!! Now it would've been fine if it was just my apartment keys but no - my parents' house keys were with them. And inside my wallet, my license doesn't have my current address, but my old address (ie. parentals'). They totally flipped out when I told them and they had to get all the locks changed just in case. Blehhh...so that's already $250 out of my pocket. -_-;
Now, let me just say that this is the first time that it's ever happened. I have never even LOST my wallet, let alone had it stolen, and I have never even tried to imagine what it would be like without all my stuff. From my experience I have now realised that my LIFE is in that wallet. My entire life pretty much exists across my wallet, mobile phone and laptop. They are the absolute most precious things to me. That makes me sound horribly materialistic but seriously: memories, contacts, work...all contained within those three things.
Anyway, so these are things which I couldn't do while I had no wallet: - get into my apartment - take out money - travel on public transport - prove that I was me
The ATM card thing was the worst. Lucky I don't have any credit cards. I never keep cash in the house, only in my wallet and in the bank so when I lost the wallet and couldn't take stuff out with the cards, I couldn't even buy a tram ticket to go home or food to eat while I was locked out. I was so completely and utterly fucked.
However I am lucky to have the most wonderful friends. When I found my wallet missing I had just come from wushu so Chris lent me money to get back home and when my roommate Russ found out about it, he made sure to be back home to let me in. And later on when I was trying to rebuild all my stuff, my friend Rina also lent me one of her old wallets to use until I got a new one.
A lot of other people were really nice/sympathetic about it too. The constable at the police station when she was taking my report, the woman at the bank when she was letting me withdraw money, my building manager when he was giving me the spare set of keys.
The loss of ID thing really started to mindfuck me for a while, too. Luckily I had photocopies of my driver's license and passport (which I can't find for some reason! the only time when I really need it!) from when I was apartment hunting and needed it for the applications. But I kept imagining someone else trying to use my IDs. If they looked like me, who's to say that I was the real me? It would just be my word against theirs. And they could be doing all sorts of things, like going to a VD clinic with my Medicare card and stealing books using my library card, giving me a bad name without my control. =/
In the end I did get my wallet back - minus the cash and my monthly public transport ticket. Someone handed it back to my uni. It also had my keys as well so I didn't have to change my apartment locks cos my keys are restricted and can't be copied. Was a good thing too cos it had my driver's license; the new one I had applied for was going to take like...10 days to be shipped out to me and I needed the ID to check-in for my flight to Byron Bay.
Oh and yes...I'm off to Byron Bay today! Wasn't planning on going originally cos of all the shit that went down but Pauline organised it for me and paid for everything for my b'day so I get to keep up the tradition. Yay!
Nicest friends, EVER.
Will be back on Tuesday night at the new age of 22 and will post up some details and photos on the trip!
Var
sent a postcard on 8/09/2008
To fringe...
...or not to fringe.
That is the question.
EDIT: I kept it.
You can't really tell but I had it trimmed and thinned out a little. I probably could've done more to it but I was really paranoid cos the woman who was cutting my hair was the one who gave me a really shit haircut last time (understandably you can't book for a lone fringe cut so you just get dumped with whoever's available when you rock up). So from that photo, it probably doesn't look much different but I assure you, from my end it made a huge difference cos it's a helluva lot easier to deal with now.
Var
sent a postcard on 8/07/2008
w00t! Lookit mah new bebeh!:
My b'day present for the year and damn am I happy about it! =D I have needed this for so long cos my poor cheap (but amply loved) laptop never came with much space. It got to the point where when I tried to defrag it said, "You do not have sufficient space to perform this operation. You need 5GB of free space to defragment your computer." =X But now I have my shiny new external harddrive I can shift all my photos and music onto it and reinstall Microsoft Office. Yay!
Usually for my birthday or any present-giving occasions, I strongly discourage people getting me stuff. The reason? Cos no one ever knows what I like/want. So they spend money, I have to feel awkward while lying about how much I like it/how useful it will be and then it wastes space in my cupboard. If I can spare someone having to spend any money at all, then I will be happy. HOWEVER, I knew my parents were going to give me something anyway (I s'pose it's a family obligation thing) so I straight up said, "This is what I need. If you aren't going to get it, don't get me anything." And now I have exactly what I have needed for months which will be of wonderful use for ages! fwee! Perhaps I should try this specific gift request method more often...
Oh and I also got a DVD player! Another request that I made from the parentals. Kinda second-hand but good enough for me! Russ, Yu and I have been living in this apartment for 7 months now without DVDs and it has sucked, but now our woes have ended! Pauline also bought me tickets and accom to Byron Bay so I am going after all! Five days and counting! *bounces*
Var
sent a postcard on 8/04/2008
New semester yay! Considering how slack I am with assessment, you'd think I'd be dreading uni starting up again, but I am always very happy/excited/bouncy at the start of a new semester. The thing is, unlike with high school, uni semesters don't have homework/projects which carry over the holidays. So you wrap up one semester and the next one (provided you don't fail anything) is like a brand new, self-contained start with none of the bad stuff you did from the last semester impinging on your chances for the next one.
SO! It's yet again one of those "turn a new leaf" times and I am feeling extremely optimistic! Even more than usual! Past experience has shown me that this is like the honeymoon period of a relationship and the bliss I'm feeling now will soon turn into bitterness and self-hate.
....but I'm not there yet! =D
Operation Get Life Back On Track seems to be running smoothly so far. This is what has been going on and what's in the plans:
- Three-day uni timetable! This is cos I'm underloading due to two of my subjects clashing and me being forced to drop one. So I guess I'll probably have to do another semester for a single subject in 2010. Depressing, eh? -_- But anyway, means that I have more time to work/study/chillax, even though Monday's a killer (classes from 10am - 8pm). - Wushu! Back in the game! I'm kinda glad that I'm seeing this psychologist. It was probably only through her insistence that I forced myself to go in the holidays, despite the exam study I should've been doing. And she has made me realise just how happy it makes me. Even when I was in a depressive funk after all the stuff that happened last month and I didn't want to do anything, wushu still managed to cheer me up. Chris, C.S., Mary...they can always make me smile. Even the creepy first-years who keep staring at me have their comic moments. Now with this breezy timetable I'm able to fit it in twice a week. w00t! - Exercise! Well wushu, obviously. I've also finally started taking advantage of the gym that's part of my apartment complex and doing workouts at home. Have lost 2kg so far. Aiming to get down to 45kg and to just to up my fitness. - Charity! Reason I want to get fit apart from the usual superficial reasons (*lol*) is cos I want to start doing charity runs. My friend Kristy has long been taking part in these marathons and walks (she's on some mailing list apparently) and she has been encouraging me to join her. I also want to do some volunteer work for a cancer charity. A big part of the reason my grandfather managed to stay alive for so long was because of cancer research. My landlord is also a cancer victim and I'd like to contribute as much as I can back to that cause so that it can give surviving sufferers like him a better chance in the future. - Study! I am overly pleased by the fact that I have been able to stay awake and punctually attend all my classes so far. I am even revising my notes! Granted this is only the first week...but a good start is better than nothing! - Work! Well this is the longest I've stayed at a job. Usually I get bored/sick of a job after about 6-8 months but now I've been with UL for a year and three months. Scary shit. My anal retentiveness and slight obsessive compulsive disorder (sometimes misconstrued as hard work) has rewarded me with the trust of the bosses and they have been teaching me things beyond normal reception work including banking and accounting-type stuff. Yay! I was even asked to stand in for one of the managers while he's away on holiday for two weeks. As always, I'm greedily eating all this experience up for regurgitation onto my resume. Muahaha... - Writing! I am writing a novel supposedly. I am up to ten pages so far which is probably the longest I have gotten whilst still being interested. Even better is that it might be split into a trilogy! Don't be fooled though - it's far from a literary masterpiece. It's totally going to be young adult fiction - the kind of trashy teen reading that I have always loved. Won't divulge much except to my - *hehe* - "writing cohort", but I will say that it involves demons.
Anyway, that's about all I have to update on. Now, I must trot off to - *grin* - STUDY. Hur hur hur..
