Postcards From Australia

2010-02-14T19:17:00.005+11:00

I could make excuses for my absence. Too much work, no internet access, etc....but this time I'll spare you. I'll just write.

Recently everything has been same-same. I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep... Since it's holidays, I have been working 5 days a week and by the time the weekend rolls in, I am too exhausted to make much of it. However, despite the money that's been rolling in as a consequence of my dilligence (or slavery?), I have not bought anything except groceries, met cards and gifts for various occasions (Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries...).

Brendan managed to score us a free flight to Sydney during one of Jetstar's crazy sales (no seriously, it was literally $0) so I requested days off, however, some unexpected work stuff came up for him so we had to cancel. Thus, I was left with one precious, work-free day.

I had some errands to run at the university but after that, I found myself wandering through my old hood. If I were to personify Carlton, he would be the starving artist. The post-grad student whose fingers tremble from caffeine overdose, with handwritten notes scattered across every bare surface in a quick, slanted script and with a stale, forgotten cigarette crumbling ash onto the carpet of his rented townhouse. Even though most of Carlton's buildings are aging and even though some areas smell perpetually like wet dog, you can still feel it is rich with culture. The starving artist sacrificing health, hygiene, vanity for the sake of art.

So it was to Carlton that I unconsciously turned. I decided to pick up a copy of Voiceworks from Readings, in the hopes that if someone else's fiction touched me, I would feel less like an autonomatron and more like a real person capable of sympathy, empathy and eventually, expression. As I was waiting in line to buy the latest edition, I noticed a rack full of wonderfully varied journals. Each had a different cover, different colours and patterns, and I was half-surprised when I found they were not handmade. Just glimpsing those empty pages, those pale blue lines begging to be written on, I thought, "Oh why not? It's just $20. Maybe it'll help me write." Then my stinginess kicked in and it occurred to me that I had already bought a notepad to jot on for precisely the same purpose. It had been 99c from the newsagency, plain and small enough to fit in the palm of my hand with a spiral bind so I could flip pages without annoyance. I had planned to keep it in my bag at all times so if ever inspiration struck, I could immediately record its occurrence. I tried to think of where I had left it and decided it had been abandoned in one of my old university bags which I hadn't touched since the end of semester.

The journals were calling though, and I thought, maybe if I bought one of these ones, I would be more motivated to write ideas because they are Just. So. Damn. Purdy. Maybe I hadn't been writing because the notepad I had allocated for my ideas was just not worthy of containing these bright thoughts.

...I didn't buy the journal.

I decided

I was just making excuses.

2009-05-13T12:37:00.003+10:00

I have photos. =D Have been doing fun and interesting things such as going to the Melbourne Aquarium and going to Werribee Open Range Zoo. Will see how I go with time management and if I can, I will do some resizing and posting of snapshots.

2009-01-27T22:24:00.001+11:00

I AM ALIVE.

Just thought I should let you know. And don't take it personally - my parents get the same message every month or so.

2008-12-18T00:50:00.002+11:00

You know what? I have THE BEST friends. Each day, my appreciation for you guys grows and grows.

I guess along with all this social activity comes a lot of catching up and with catching up, distance becomes very obvious.

I spent majority of the night talking with a very old friend, I think actually my first real uni friend. We used to be incredibly close, to the point where I would receive calls from her at least once a day. However, we also became friends with a guy - who we both ended up liking. I ended up with the guy and even though he was someone who I came to love and care about very deeply, even though my life would not have been the same without him, a part of me always felt guilty about being involved with him because of the deep pain it caused my friend and the huge rift it caused between us. Eventually we patched things up but even though she always assured me that she was over it, I could always sense a certain mistrust from her, a holding back which made me terribly sad. Well last night during our long talk we came to address the issue again and she finally truly forgave me. The difference was instantaneous. Suddenly we were no longer restrained to trivial conversation; she began to open up to me about her problems and I was able to properly share my own with her. I was so sure that I could never have that with her again and am so glad that she was able to find it in her to forgive me.

Another very close friend tried to commit suicide earlier this year. Now, this is is far from new to me - I had a friend chase a bagful of valium and prozac with vodka when I was 15 and then had another friend overdose on antidepressants when I was 20. I am notoriously bad at dealing with these situations and though they survived, our friendship dissipated. This most recent friend was like a sister to me and after the numerous incidents, I couldn't handle it. Once I knew she would be okay, I needed some space from her. Usually this "space" leads to the loss of the friendship, but I had told her about my past experiences and she was able to understand my reaction, allowing me the time I needed without jumping to conclusions about my reasons. When we were both ready, we started talking on the phone, meeting up, eating out and now our friendship is even stronger than before.

There are so many others as well...

- The girl who has always lived on the other side of the world but who has always been there for me. I have literally known her now for half my life and I hope to continue to increase that percentage. *hehe*
- The girl who is always willing to put her own life on the backburner to help me with mine.
- The guy who was brave enough to remain my friend even after I rejected him so harshly. I do value your friendship and I know that we are better like this than we ever would have been as a couple.
- The guy who drove me to the hospital and waited with me in the emergency ward for 4 hours, even though he was starving and it meant he missed his favourite tv show.
- The girl who is like my twin and who I know can always relate to whatever I'm saying, even if it's terribly obscure and/or random.
- The girl who is my mentor and idol. You are always willing to help me with the Big Girl stuff like teaching me about mortgages and the advantages of offset accounts. *lol* I would be more than happy if I could be half as wise and mature as you are one day.

Once again, this is not a complete list but to all my lovely friends, you are beautiful and wonderful and I would not be the same person without you by my side each step of the way.

2008-12-17T02:00:00.002+11:00

Still to come/to catch up on:

- Anna's 21st and surprise return from Germany
- wushu dinner and ice cream (wait till you see how we had the ice cream)
- most romantic date I've been on with mystery girl (has Var really given up on the walking frustrations that are men and turned lesbian? Hmm...stay tuned to find out more...)

2008-12-17T01:24:00.007+11:00

Pomegranates - 15/12/08

Until the apartment she bought is completed, Rina is staying at her cousin's place, so after work, Pauline and I offered to help her move the last of her stuff over. Her cousin's place is just a block away from mine so I know the area is nice but
PHWOAR.

HUGE place. Lotsa space.

Their kitchen has a built-in coffee maker and chilled wine cabinet. Like...WHY?!

Antiques on the mantelpiece? A plasma screen tv on the floor? And, what is that? An apartment fireplace?!? Hell yeah it is!

And a beautiful view from the 20th level from the SECOND balcony. Note that this is the second of THREE balconies. My friends, THIS is my goal. I will put these photos up in my room and that will be my motivator to succeed: to one day own a place like this. *hehe*

Anyway, second reason for going there was because I had been over the previous night as well and we had been discussing weird/exotic/foreign fruit. I had mentioned I had seen pomegranates in Safeway the other day and that I had never tried them. They hadn't either (or rather, they weren't really sure what I was talking about) so we agreed that we would get some and give them a go.

"Mum" at work again. Look at her multi-tasking! =D

Here's a close-up. Pomegranates are a strange, strange fruit.

Anyway, once we finally got around to eating them, it was a messy business. How the hell do you eat pomegranates? Well folks, apparently THIS is how you eat them. WE were going about it in a very wrong, time-consuming and frustrating way. *lol*

However, what little we did get from them was delicious and somehow extremely filling. If you've never tried one, I totally recommend giving it a go! Just...read the instructions first.

Wushu - 16/12/08

Okay, so anyone who does wushu knows the cardinal rule is do not miss training! The reason? Cos it fckn canes when you try to get back in. I missed the last three sessions cos two Fridays ago I was hungover from Anna's party (I'll post about that eventually), Tuesday I was working and last Friday I was hungover from the work Christmas Party. *lol*

So was back at training today and I swear to god, I have totally reverted to unfitness. -_- Back to daily gym! Was totally worth it to go, though, if simply just to see this:

Yep. Thanks to my talent for making people's desires come true (*hehe* you just gotta ask before I can make it happen, though ^_~) the boys are now sparring after training. Light boxing and grappling. *hehe* They show me their war wounds once they're done.

God...there is something SO hot about watching guys wrestling. Even though it looks totally gay when they are struggling around on the floor trying to make the other one tap out.

Stop it, boys.

2008-12-14T02:19:00.004+11:00

Dinner with Mark and Marian - 9/12/08

Marian was feeling down so I invited her over so Mark and I could give her some therapy. We had some greasy, greasy pizza before hunkering down to some ice-cream cake (incidentally, exactly the same cake as I had tonight).

It was Mark's birthday the previous week and he hadn't celebrated with a big party so we decided to make a small gesture. Unfortunately, on such short notice, the only kind of candle Marian could find was in the shape of Bart Simpson. *lol*

Mark and Marian are two of my closest friends from uni. However in the two years since we stopped having classes together, I have only seen them maybe five times. It makes me sad to think of the distance which has grown between me and my ex-uni friends, all who have now graduated and are either making a career move or are studying masters/honours, leaving me in the dust with my lengthy combined undergrad.

But it's nice to know that even though our meetings may be less frequent, we are still close...

...and we can still make each other smile.

2008-12-14T01:52:00.004+11:00

Work Christmas Party - 11/12/08

Since Mr. Boss Man granted my wish for more full-time hours during the uni break, I have been working 9am-5:30pm Monday to Friday. Unfortunately, this meant that I had to go straight from work to the christmas party so I felt a bit like a wreck.

Anyway, my team trammed it to the Flinders property to meet up with some of the others for pre-dinner drinks. Often hotel guests leave booze behind in the minibar when they check out. We're supposed to chuck everything but this team had decided to stockpile it instead. So when we headed there, there was quite a variety of alcohol to choose from. *hehe*

Next we walked across the Yarra to The Pub at Crown for a two-course meal. I didn't have time to take photos of the meals cos I was too busy stuffing my face but just take my word when I say they were well-presented and fckn delicious.

There was a pretty good turnout from all the properties and we took up two huge tables, probably offending other diners with our loudness, but also intimidating them with our numbers. ^_^;;

There were lots of laughs and networking between properties but I think the interplay between my boss and the gay receptionist from another property pretty much stole the show. (In this picture, Daniel has adopted his jumper as a protective device but has found that it is a paltry defence to Rio's strong advances.)

It was hard not to watch Rio's repeated attempts and Daniel's repeated rejections of his affections. It was like watching Will and Grace where the straight one of the pair is also male. Supposedly Rio was just joking but after a while, you really had to wonder. >_> His attentions weren't solely for my boss, though. At one point he was demanding each of the young property managers undo their top button so that he could point a camera down their shirts and take a photo of their hairy chests. I have two words for that moment: awkward and disturbing.

My team (well, those who decided to attend) including three reception girls and the two Boss Men.

2008-12-14T00:28:00.010+11:00

Too much has been going on. Seriously I feel too old for being a party animal/social butterfly anymore. TOO OLD, y'hear???

Anyway, WARNING: the next few posts will be very graphic-intensive cos I'm lazy to write in detail, so I'm just gonna do pics 'n' captions. Note also that the photo quality will probably be poor cos I have recently started using Pix Resizer instead of Photoshop cos I have little RAM and my laptop can't handle Photoshop and multiple photos as well as it did in its younger years. Also because I'm lazy.

Note that the next couple of event posts will not be documented in order, either. In fact, they will most likely be done in reverse order just cos I feel like doing the ones that are freshest in my memory first.

So, that having been said, this was TONIGHT:

December Hotpot Dinner - 13/12/08

This is "Mum". The one who was running the show (ie. the only one who really knew how to organise a hotpot dinner). She kindly did the shopping and directed us to set everything up. Then throughout the night she was distributing food, putting food in the pot for us (her children) and generally making sure that our growing bodies were getting a good feed. *hehe*

After setting up, things looked pretty neat...

...but things soon got messy. It looks pretty modest for a hotpot meal but I assure you there was HEAPS of food.

Heaps of weird, freaky food as well. But it all tasted good, no matter how dubious it looked. O_O

People present included the girls...

...and the boys (mirror, say whaaat?!?!)

I was trying to take a group shot but it happened to be right when Ally said, "Oh my god...look at how high Var's heels are!"

So of course, they had to try them out. I think perhaps that my overuse of heels has improved my sense of balance because Rina was teetering.

I did get my group shot eventually.

And then there was ice cream cake. =D You can probably tell from this photo who ate the most. ^_^;;

Happy birthday to Pauline, Dean, Devin and Gigi (who wasn't there but was with us in lazy, forgetful spirit!)!!

2008-11-22T02:35:00.004+11:00

I have mentioned in earlier posts that there is a building across the road which has been under construction. There is a platform supported by large cables at the front to allow for workers to move up and down the building. The wind is quite strong right now and it is hitting the cables hard against the thick windows of the building.

It's 2:30am in the morning and I am alone in the vast apartment. My room is dark and still and in the silence I can hear the rhythmic banging of the cable ringing clear like the snap of a whip against cold floorboards.

Snap.

Snap.

Snap.

2008-11-22T01:54:00.003+11:00

AWESOME.

Exams are over...but now for the after-effects.

Every time I hit exam period - because no doubt I have not studied well for them - I go into a state of extreme neglect. I don't sleep correctly, I don't eat well or skip meals, I ignore social opportunities, I don't visit my parents, I forgo wushu training and gym, I don't clean the house. The only things which withstand exam-hell are personal hygiene and work - somehow I manage to still do a good job at work (perhaps it's the constant state of heightened awareness, a mix of pre-exam adrenaline and sleep-deprivation) and stay clean (I think I use this as an excuse to take a break so ALWAYS make sure I spend time on this). ALL my time and energy is focused towards staying awake whilst listening to hours of droning lectures, whilst reading tiny, tiny text with few pictures and whilst trying to decipher the illegible notes I "took" during the lectures I DID attend.

I am very disappointed with myself, even more so than usual because I actually DID do well for a while. I saw some improvement; I was attending all lectures, staying focused, alert and taking notes (even though they turned out to be too difficult to read later - damn my shorthand and messy handwriting!) and handing up my assignments on time. I think I can time my decline to when I fractured my foot. It's really stupid but I guess when I'm going well, I'm going very well and when I fall, I crumble very easily.

So the result? My creative writing subject was handed up three days late (6% penalty) and majority of the study/learning for my two psych exams took place the night before that actual date. -_-

One very noticeable difference is my mindset towards exams though. I recall my first and second years, how I would get so incredibly stressed out. This year, I was completely and utterly

chill.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Is it because I have become a less high-strung person? Or is it because I've just given in and given up?

Another thing which I'm not sure is good or bad is the fact that I left both my psych exams half an hour early. In all my former years, this has never happened. I have ALWAYS been pushing the time limits (and in the past I've had to endure THREE hour exams).

I felt as if I knew a lot of the answers, but I'm not sure if my mind was just kidding itself or whether the knowledge was actually there. So I came out of the exam feeling confident that I would get at least 70%. Once again, not sure if my mind is simply in denial and trying to be overly optimistic/unrealistic to cover it up, but really, all I want/need is a pass. All I want is to not have to repeat subjects, to have to keep extending my university time.

My degree has become so ludicrous. I was organising my re-enrolment and plugged my subject history including marks into Excel. I sorted them so that they were separated into their respective components: arts or science. If you look at all my creative writing subjects, the marks range from 70-80%. On the other hand, when you look at my psychology subjects, the marks range from FAIL-60%. I have talked to so many people (course advisors, course co-ordinators, lecturers, student advisors) about dropping science, about trying to get into straight arts, but stupid GPA rules say I can't.

And you know what? I worked out how many subjects I have left to do to complete my degree. It is NINE. You know what that means? I have to take another year (two semesters with four subjects in each)PLUS ONE SUBJECT. ONE SUBJECT!!! WTF! So annoying I have to take a whole semester just to do one more stupid fucking subject!!

Ugh. Anyway, moving on from academic woes...just came back from watching Quantum of Solace. Not as good as the first one (Casino Royale will always be a favourite) but not as bad as the Movie Show rated it. Choppy editing interspersed with pretensiously artsy and none-too-subtle symbolism makes for confusing action scenes. Daniel Craig, for the love of god please continue being THE James Bond so that the likes of people like Pierce Brosnan can no longer sully his name.

Also, going to Sexpo tomorrow for the first time. Maybe come back with photos? Or perhaps it'll just be too embarassing. My boss keeps telling me there's this guy dressed as a giant penis and a girl dressed as a giant vagina and they purposefully and often keep trying to run into each other. *shakes head* Will let you know. *lol* Oh, and am overdue for posting about the Angelsea wushu camp that I went on two weeks ago. Remind me. =D

EDIT: Sorry, this happens often: I start writing a blog post with one intention in mind and then get side-tracked in tangents. So I started this post with "now for the after-effects". This was what I was going to say:
Need to...
- clean house
- get back to wushu training
- start gymming daily again
- start eating better and cooking for self/grocery shopping instead of buying quick and easy garbage from nearby fast-food joints
- reconnect with friends
- start/continue projects I intended to do months ago (eg. drawing, writing)
- MAKE SHITLOADS OF MOULAH IN THE HOLIDAYS IN ORDER TO BE CASHED UP FOR NEXT YEAR WHEN UNABLE TO WORK DURING MANY-HOURED UNI WEEKS

So that's my to-do list. Let's see how much I can accomplish this summer! =D

2008-11-15T21:01:00.003+11:00

Excerpt from a convo I had with a friend today:

Varya says (8:54 PM):
You know what else I recalled
Varya says (8:54 PM):
for some reason it's like..nostalgia time.
Varya says (8:55 PM):
I had the name "Chu" in my head.
Varya says (8:55 PM):
And I remembered this guy
Varya says (8:55 PM):
with the surname Chu.
Varya says (8:55 PM):
Couldn't remember anything about him or the significance.
Varya says (8:55 PM):
Finally it's all come together
Varya says (8:56 PM):
This guy Alex Chu was my partner for a duologue when I was in this drama club/workshop thing in high school called the Shakespeare Workshop.
Varya says (8:56 PM):
He was short and asian which automatically meant I didn't like him.
Varya says (8:56 PM):
I mean..
Varya says (8:56 PM):
I wasn't attracted to him.
Varya says (8:56 PM):
But he was actually a really nice guy.
Varya says (8:56 PM):
And we had lots of fun/got along really well during practices.
Varya says (8:56 PM):
After we did the performance and won an award, there was a party.
Varya says (8:57 PM):
At the party, he got one of his friends to ask me out for him.
Varya says (8:57 PM):
My friends were laughing and I just said, "What? No!" with extreme disdain mostly cause I could barely believe that someone had asked me out at all.
Varya says (8:57 PM):
Then I kind of immediately regretted it.
Varya says (8:58 PM):
And saw the guy running back to tell Alex.
Varya says (8:58 PM):
And Alex looked so crushed.
Haze says (8:58 PM):
aww
Varya says (8:58 PM):
And didn't talk to me again after that.
Haze says (8:58 PM):
you're looking back on all your asian disgraces
Haze says (8:58 PM):
lmao
Varya says (8:58 PM):
*lol*
Haze says (8:58 PM):
sorry i know it's sad
Haze says (8:58 PM):
but still
Haze says (8:58 PM):
i mean everyone does it
Varya says (8:58 PM):
I've always thought I would love to say sorry to that boy
Varya says (8:58 PM):
I was young!
Varya says (8:58 PM):
I didn't know what feelings were.
Varya says (8:58 PM):
*lol*
Haze says (8:59 PM):
aww
Varya says (8:59 PM):
crushes/interest back then for me were like...fleeting hormones which lasted maybe a day before switching onto someone else or into non-existence.

--

So, Alex Chu, it is unlikely you will ever read this. I only saw you one time again after that at Brenner's while I was working. I don't think you recognised me, which is fine; I like to think that everyone's feelings at that age were as shallow as mine. But for that moment when your friend ran back to you, for that moment where I could see how the word "crushed" could be expressed through facial features, for whatever you might have been feeling when I wrote "Hi" to you on MSN and you didn't reply - I'm sorry. I honestly never meant to be cruel. I wanted so many times to call you and tell you that I had valued your friendship but I was too freaked out. So I just let it go - one of the first of many mistakes I have made in my life.

If I ever see you again, even if you don't remember me, I will say hi and try to make amends, cos really, you were a very cool guy. =)

(Also, no offence to any short, asian guys. I know most of you are cool but in a relationship with me, there'd only be room for one short asian and I sure ain't makin' any height.)

2008-11-13T21:26:00.003+11:00

You know what? I reckon he puts it on. I reckon he stammers and hesitates and ums and ahs and gets lost in his own notes because he knows he doesn't have enough content to cover the whole 2-hour period assigned for his lecture.

Nope, you can't slip nothin' by me. >=D

2008-11-01T23:23:00.002+11:00

What the hell! The apartment is flooded.

I came back to an empty home. Dropped my stuff off in my room, then went to switch off the living room lights. As soon as the apartment fell dark, I heard a rustling sound. I froze, knowing that I hadn't heard anyone come in after me, wondering if perhaps I had obliviously breezed past an intruder who had been hiding in the kitchen.

The rustling continued and I slowly edged my way back to the entrance hall. Dramatically stepping from around the corner, I was faced with - nothing. Just the darkness. Frowning, I reached over to switch the light back on. Only then did I realise that the sound was not rustling but trickling.

There was water leaking down the wall from the air conditioning vent.

I put some towels underneath and went downstairs to the building manager's office to get his emergency number off the door. Unfortunately he's only on duty during the weekdays so he had gone out of Melbourne to visit family and said he couldn't do anything till the morning. I thought, "Okay, that's fine. It's just a little bit of water anyway. I'm sure it'll be fine till then."

Went back to the apartment. The water was now gushing. Literally pouring forth from the air vent across our electrical switchboard, over our intercom phone and settling into our nice carpet. Joy.

Called the building manager again and explained that the situation was bad enough that it had to be dealt with right away. He suggested the apartment above was flooded and advised me to call them on the intercom. Trooping back downstairs cos our lifts are restricted, it took four times buzzing them before they picked up.

"Yeah we just got back. One of the guys left the taps on. Sorry. We're dealing with it right now."

'Left the taps on'?!?!

I headed back up once again to see if it had stopped. Eventually the water slowed to a drip. Removing the already soaked tea towels, I grabbed all the bath mats I could find and shoved them underneath to try and absorb as much moisture as possible. Knowing there was nothing more I could do till morning, I started to prepare for bed.

Ten minutes later, my rooommate called me from the kitchen, sounding quite alarmed. I joined her - and we both stared.

Water was spilling from one of the kitchen light fittings. Luckily it was mostly heading into the sink. I figured it was just the excess which had come around the other side and that eventually it would peter out on it's own. We moved the kettle and toaster from the area and switched off all the lights before placing a saucepan under the leak. I had to empty that saucepan TWICE. That's how much water was coming through - and that was only from the light fitting. There was heaps more before going into our carpet.

So now we have about a 4x4m patch of soggy carpet and a mini water feature in our kitchen.

Bloody brilliant.

2008-10-30T23:43:00.002+11:00

It is a common thing to go out and spend as soon as you get a huge cash injection like when you receive your tax return. This year, one of my friends got hair extentions which were in excess of $1000. Another friend bought Guitar Hero with two guitars. I personally have never done this before. Being the stingy asian I am, I usually just immediately squirrel it away "for a rainy day". However, this year, I decided to participate in the Tax Return Spending Spree - and have purchased myself a new digital camera! =D

So now I am chillin' with my small, sexy Panasonic Lumix FS3.

It took a long time to decide because for the longest time I had been fixated upon the Sony Cybershot series. But after long deliberation, I changed my mind and am very happy with my purchase (although keep in mind that my only point of comparison is my 6-year old, 5MB brick of an ex-camera).

Here are some of the test photos I took to try it out today. Note that none of them have been altered apart from resizing in order to better represent the camera quality. Also note that my photo-taking skills are fairly average to poor. ^_^;;

And you can't have a new camera without pouncing on a cam whore opportunity! =D

Good timing too cos tomorrow is the last day of semester and therefore the last of the official wushu classes for '08. Some of my fellow wushuers are graduating and leaving Australia so it'll be good to get some parting snaps in better quality. There's also an end-of-sem club event so will hopefully get some good photos there as well!

2008-10-30T14:50:00.002+11:00

Hrm...so a while ago I wrote a post about whether or not one should accept candy from an old man. Now I have another question to pose to you: would you accept candy from someone in an animal suit??

I saw him crossing the road on my way back from uni. At least I think it was a 'him'. Couldn't really tell because it was a complete costume, one of the ones which don't show your face at all. I was guessing from the height because this guy was towering at about 6'...but then again, that could've just been the costume. Also, I'm not sure what the animal was. A bunny? A fox? It was reddish/brown with long, pointed ears.

Now this might sound strange but I had to do a double-take when I noticed him. The strange part is that I didn't do that double-take cos of the outfit - I did it cos he somehow managed to look SO normal. He was just...y'know...strolling along with one of those green, environmentally-friendly shopping bags like he just came back from getting the groceries. He wasn't standing on the street with a charity bucket or some gimicky sign and he wasn't handing out fliers. Just walking around.

I stared a little longer and watched as he stopped an old lady. After a brief chat, he opened his bag and held it out to her and I saw her take what looked like a chocolate bar (was kinda in the distance but it was long with a shiny wrapper). Saying her thanks, she continued on her way and he continued on his.

...

Is anyone else feeling a bit, "wtf?? ^^;;"?

Second random thing which happened today was that a friend and I met up at a cafe for brunch. We went to sit outside and there was no one else around cos it was kinda windy. Shortly after we started eating/talking a guy came out from the cafe. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he paused to find a seat. Note that ALL the tables were empty except for ours, yet after what seemed like careful deliberation, he went to sit next to us (they were the long, bench kind of tables).

Ignoring him, we continued on our conversation but I kept noticing that whenever we said something funny, he looked over to us with a huge grin. Even though he had a newspaper in front of him he was obviously listening to everything we were talking about. Figuring nothing we were prattling on about was of any consequence anyway, we didn't really care so we continued. But when we started having an argument about (*lol*) Facebook, he outright laughed out loud and INSERTED himself into the conversation.

"Sorry guys I couldn't help but overhear what you were talking about (Yeah right, ya psycho. All those empty tables are testament to how you "couldn't help it"). I just wanted to say it is SO refreshing to find someone who shares the same views as me against Facebook."

After that, he felt he had become part of our group so kept laughing while we were talking and asking us questions. Thankfully but annoyingly they were all about Facebook. Just note that he wasn't some fellow uni student or something - this was a balding man in his late 30s to early 40s dressed in a suit.

As soon as my friend finished eating, I tried as politely as possible to remove ourselves from the situation.

O_O

...in other news....NEW CAMERA!! w00t!!! More info later when the battery has fully charged.

2008-10-29T22:55:00.003+11:00

Once upon a time, we frowned upon those girls who slept around. Now we have become them.

More and more of my friends I see slipping into this phase (phase?) of promiscuous behaviour. I, too, must admit I have fallen victim to it, although granted I have slowed down a lot. In my efforts to understand the phenomena, I sought a pattern, some common factor between all these different girls I knew and myself.

This was it: they all had a serious, meaningful relationship which ended very badly with a lot of pain.

Originally I figured that this was like a rebound. Y'know...your hurt so you try and do anything which will make you forget, make you feel good, feel wanted, feel anything. I thought for all these people that it was a phase which would pass with time. "Time heals everything" is what people say, right?

But we're going on years now.

How long does something have to go for before it stops being considered a phase and becomes a part of who you are?

I know a girl who has a phone book full of different guys who she can call up at any time to scratch her itch. Another girl sleeps around within the same group of guy friends and doesn't care that they don't care about sharing. Another one drinks and drinks just so she can blur the face of whoever she's with into anonymnity. All these girls have endured this "phase" for two years or longer.

I try to vindicate myself by saying that at least the relationships I have are not one-night stands, but the intentions and the outcome are the same. Even if it lasts for months, doesn't mean that I feel more deeply about them, doesn't mean that it's about anything more than physical gratification.

I thought I was rebounding, that it would pass. But the other day during a phone conversation, my friend said, "I'm worried about you. Do you realise that it's been 2 years since you've dated?"

I was immediately defensive. "No it hasn't!"

My friend paused and I could almost imagine her shaking her head on the other end. "...I meant seriously dated."

She was right. I hadn't realised.

After further deliberation, I have revised my theory.

It is not a phase - it is a state. A state of suspension, perhaps a limbo or purgatory of sorts. These girls were in love and despite the break up, their heart still belongs to that person. However, the body has its physical needs and desires. So in an attempt to sate their natural hunger they pursue relationships, but are unable to make any real connection because they are unable to offer what is truly essential in any meaningful relationship.

If you don't understand, watch the educational video below:

While I'm on this topic, let me state this: "Boyfriend" should be an incidental label not a role than needs filling. Girls shouldn't want just anyone who fits a preference criteria. A girl should work on being happy with herself (cos god knows that's difficult enough) instead of working on making someone else like her. And if she happens to meet someone who enriches her life and she decides to share part of it with him, then this should be additional - she shouldn't recreate her life around him.

So no, my dear friends, I am not just being overly picky. Yes, I realise that he is male and yes I realise he is single. No, I am not interested. No, that doesn't mean I am gay. And by the way, I would really appreciate it if you'd stop suggesting I whore myself out to every Tom, Dick and Harry which crosses my path in the hopes that I might strike lucky and find someone of marriage material.

Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that I want to be alone??

2008-10-22T17:14:00.002+11:00

For the past two nights I have had insomnia. No idea why. I settle down for sleep, climb into bed, snuggle under the covers. I feel the warmth slowly creeping up my ankles, chasing away the initial cool of the doona. The room is dark, still. I close my eyes and wait.

And wait...

And wait.

And then my alarm (which I could've sworn I only set ten minutes ago before I climbed into bed) is ringing. I stare in disbelief at the apparent time, blink with confusion at the pale colour creeping out from behind the curtain across my bedroom ceiling. After a moment, I crawl reluctantly from the sheets and examine my bloodshot eyes in the mirror.

This is how it's been. For. Two. Nights. Doesn't sound like long, but by GOD I can tell you it feels otherwise. Each time I get up, I feel like I have had no rest at all, like it's just one extended day with a pause where I am just in this limbo, between-consciousnesses state.

So right now I am feeling EXTREMELY ON EDGE. @_@ I feel jittery, shoulders hunched, unable to keep the tremble out of my fingers. It was even worse today cos it was super busy at work and I was there on my own. Bad to the point that somehow I managed to develop sweat marks on my shirt from simply running aroung reception. *lol*

I think perhaps it's the exercise? Like...too many endorphins/too much adrenaline keeping me up? That's the only thing that I can think of that has changed recently. Although when I was going every day before my foot fracture I had no problems, and I thought that exercise was supposed to help you sleep. Hmm...maybe I'm just hitting the gym too late at night.

Anyway, we'll see what happens tonight. Will keep you posted.

...or will be comatose from sleep-deprivation. -_-

2008-10-22T01:01:00.003+11:00

Decoding the sparing vocabulary that males use to describe us girls, based on examples from my male friends and my own experience...

"pretty" = not too bad on the eyes but pretty average
"cute" = same as or slightly better than pretty; no sex appeal but the kind of gal who looks warm and huggable
"hot" = upgrade from pretty; stands out in a crowd; has sex appeal
"fckn hot" = has a 'wow' factor; usually intimidating; kind of gal a guy would wanna bone but would probably never approach (*lol*)
"sexy" = pretty meaningless; the girl is good looking, but usually whoever is saying it to her has little to no respect for her (ie. construction worker or sleazy guy at bar) or, if it's a partner, it's less of an appreciation of the girl and more a vocalisation of his groin's sentiments
"beautiful" = can be said lecherously by aforementioned construction worker/sleazy guy in which case, meaningless (ya, sorry, but he's just desperate); if said with meaning by a partner, he is referring to more than physical appearance - he sees the girl as more than a piece o' tail and has a real appreciation of her

All those adjectives have been used on me many times but the last one has only ever been said to me once in my life. It is the only one which I ever really heard.

2008-10-19T22:16:00.006+11:00

Okay, so I'm going to do an update of random, mostly unrelated things so don't expect any structure in this post. *lol*

So our third housemate is back from being away for one month to visit her home country. We are not particularly close but we get along well enough and even though things were fine with just me and the other housemate, I feel as if now things are back to normal. Like...the household is now whole again.

I consider a "home" to be more than the physical institute in which you live. For example, my current home is here in this apartment and that definition also includes both my housemates. My parents' place, on the other hand, (even though it is the place where I grew up, and where I can sleep whenever and eat whatever I want) is no longer home to me. I believe that "home" doesn't have to be a physical place either. You can find a home in, for instance, someone you deeply care about. I guess the definition is simply your comfort zone, where you feel safe and at peace, whether it is with a person you love or your own personal space.

While she was gone, she missed quite a couple of things. Last night, it was suddenly!heatwave. Jumped from about 15 degrees to 30 degrees in the blink of an eye. My housemate randomly invited some people over for a bbq but because the one downstairs was booked by another resident, we crossed the road to the park. I fell asleep cos I was exhausted from a 9-hour, 7am start shift (and also cos some stupid stalker guy who won't leave me alone called me at friggin' 3am in the morning!!) so I got there a while later when they had already finished cooking and it was already dark. There's something surreal about a still, hot night, as if darkness should naturally be cold. Another thing I distinctly recall is how, as I was walking across the park to meet them, there was like a low layer of chill air around my ankles, but from my shins upwards, it was really hot. The grass keeps cool, I guess? ^_^;;

Anyway, the bbq was good, although we weren't clever enough to bring a lamp or something so we were never sure whether that black shape on the sausage was a crust of charcoal or whether it was an insect which had settled onto the tasty meat. =/ There were lots of very large bats which kept flying overhead and having fights in a nearby tree; I think perhaps there was a family of them roosting there.

I needed to study so after we headed back, I locked myself in my room for a good couple of hours. At one stage, I wandered out into the lounge room to watch a bit of television, when suddenly the lights flickered out. After a pause, they came back on - then went out again. My housemate has a nasty habit of leaving the curtains wide open at nighttime so we were able to see that the whole area was out - even the tall apartment buildings in the distance. Usually when you look out, you can see quite a lot of lit apartments, bright patches against the dark building facade. But with the blackout, there was nothing. No streetlights either. It was vaguely ominous to be staring out from the balcony into a darkened street. The buzz of the backup generators and the dimness of the emergency lights also added to the freaky atmosphere.

It only occured to me then that we had no manner of battery operated lamps or torches around. (Mental note: add that to shopping list.) We were running around using our mobile phones to light our way. *lol* The blackout actually lasted for quite a long time...perhaps about an hour. I realised just how electricity-dependent I am; at home, I'm pretty much always on my laptop or watching tv. ^_^;; So after my laptop died without its power source (ya, the battery has very little retention) I was going a bit stir-crazy as to what I could do in the dark. Just as I was considering giving in and going to bed, the power was back on again. *lol*

Today, something else weird happened. Remember a couple of posts ago, there was some weird woman who buzzed up to my apartment asking for me by name? Well...today I was woken by the insistent buzzing of the intercom. I was in a half-dreamy state so I just stayed in bed, thinking someone else could get it. But the buzzing continued as if someone was pressing their thumb down and holding on the button. With great irritation, I rose and stumbled outside, realising that all my housemates were out. By the time I reached it, the intercom screen had already blacked out and didn't light up again. Unfortunately there's no way for us to activate the screen unless someone's buzzing up so I couldn't look to see who was standing there. Shrugging it off, I headed back to bed. Later on, I asked my roommates if any of them had been expecting anyone. They all said no.

Now...I'm starting to be disturbed again. There are three possibilities:
- someone had the wrong apartment number and meant to buzz someone else
- some random person was looking for us
- THE SCARY STALKER WOMAN WAS BACK, LOOKING FOR ME

Once again, I am incredibly grateful for the level of security that exists in this building and don't have to be worried that in the middle of the night, some 40-something, overweight psycho will sneak up to my level and break in.

2008-10-19T01:00:00.003+11:00

If you love someone but you can't be with them, is it better to hang around and enjoy their company or to leave and spare yourself the pain of being so close to the unattainable?

2008-10-17T23:49:00.002+11:00

"Let me know when you're available."

"Oh, I'll probably be free next Sunday."

"...that's not what I meant."

*sighs* Why are all the good ones always taken?

2008-10-16T00:23:00.004+11:00

Wow. I don't think I've had such a strong urge to go shopping IN MY LIFE. I've never really been the one who actively goes shopping for no particular reason. I might be strolling home from work and notice something nice in a store window and wander in for a little browse. I might be dragged along by enthusiastic friends and enjoy the experience. I might go out with the specific intent to get a certain item and be distracted along the way by other nice-looking things.

BUT I have NEVER had the desire to go shopping FOR THE SAKE of shopping.

...until now.

Maybe it's part of this whole change thing. I feel like I'm recreating a new me so maybe that requires a new wardrobe as well? ^_^;; *lol* (Not too far from the truth, actually, because a lot of my old clothes are now very ill-fitting. Damn you convenient tumble dryer!! *shakes fist*)

Luckily I am hindered from splurging and going girly-stupid in some overpriced department store because I am BROKE. Pity the full-time student living out of home. -_-

Actually, I lie. I DO need something specific, but it is something which I have also never in my life shopped for: ACTIVEWEAR. Yes, unfortunately those old tracksuit pants just don't cut it anymore because the elastic has gone so badly that when I do a stretch, I show a hefty portion of ass crack (and believe you me, that ain't no pretty sight). Also, doing treadmill on a daily basis is painful you got the curves but you don't got the support (if ya know what I mean *wink wink, nudge nudge*). So I guess I'll have to budget that from the meagre savings I have. As I said, never done this kind of shopping before so I'll be going in blind. Hopefully I don't end up with a pair of camel-toe producing "yoga" pants (ya...I've seen them...*shudders*).

Wish me luck and good judgement!

2008-10-12T23:01:00.002+11:00

I suppose I should post something here. *lol* For once, the lack of updates is not because I don't have anything going on in my life. I guess the only times when I really feel like posting is when I don't have anyone else to share my news or thoughts with but these days it seems like I don't have that problem anymore. =)

Anyway, after the fracture I got a bit depressed cos I felt like fate was trying to thwart my attempts to change. But last night I cautiously tried out the treadmill...and no pain! Even with the high-impact workout, my foot was perfectly fine. So I take that as a sign that I can go back to wushu and resume my daily gym visits. Yay! ^____^

In entirely unrelated news...do you ever go out and make a small purchase yet feel an incredible sense of accomplishment/achievement for it? Usually when I do this, it's an item of clothing or something the apartment has been needing for a long time like Spray 'n' Wipe, but yesterday, all I bought was a tiny lined notepad for 90c at the newsagents. The reason for this strange reaction to the meagre purchase is because this notepad will be with me constantly, accompanied by a pen - a place to jot down ANYTHING that comes to mind. Thoughts, ideas, images. Descriptions of interesting people I see, scraps of conversations overhead on public transport, fleeting memories from bizarre dreams. This is the journal that every english teacher, every creative writing tutor, every book on becoming a writer has recommended. This is going to snatch those flitting, easily forgotten thoughts from the sky of my mind and forcefully drive them into permanancy with ink. Hopefully this will help me develop more ideas for writing because it's been a dry spell for a while. *hehe*

Speaking of writing, you know the new job that I mentioned about three posts ago? Well for the longest time I was really scared I was gonna fuck it up. Hence I didn't really tell many people about it. However, I managed to do all the interviews and have written one article up and sent it to the big boss. And...he liked it! I was so surprised cos personally I thought it was a piece of shite. *lol* But first drafts have to start somewhere I guess. Needs lots of tweaking but he is happy with the result which means I'm happy because he's happy to publish it! It was extraordinarily difficult to write though, simply because there's so much fucking CROSSREFERENCING. >_< I don't like working with facts and research. Blehhh.... I like fiction where you can just pull shit outta your ass. Ye-eahhhh...

Anyway, one article down, two articles to go. Have finished all the interviews. One was terrible and the other was really good. I've found that the best interviews are the ones where the subject likes to ramble. The one which was terrible provided me pretty much with just yes/no answers. I need long-winded flowery answers where the guy completely goes off onto a tangent (which is still related to the topic at hand). I need anecdotes and memories, stories and quotes that I can work into the article. As I was saying to a friend, this is how an article based on monosyllabic answers would read: "When asked what he recalled of the accident, Brown said, '...it hurt. Bad.'"

Probably my longest friend, Hazel, also got published! Yay! So congrats to her! For this decade or so that we have known each other, we have always shared our common passion in writing, but have never really done anything about it, apart from bounce back endless ideas which never really lead to fruition. *lol* But now I feel like we are both finally heading in the right direction. =D

The weather's looking up with today having a top of 29 degrees. When I saw the weather forecast yesterday, I couldn't resist throwing out the idea to my friends to go to the beach - and they all came! *lol* Just goes to show that spontanaeity leads to the best fun. *hehe* Anyway, too tired now to write about it now. Might make a post later with some photos once I steal them off the others' cameras.

2008-10-10T22:43:00.006+11:00

My university has (as I imagine most would) a Careers and Employment service. Part of this is a mailing list which offers a weekly newsletter. I signed up with this a long time ago and the most recent issue featured an article which stated this:

"The latest statistics from America show that about 20% of employers look for information about potential employees on social networking sites, and about one third then use this information to reject candidates. (Survey at CareerBuilder.com) Given Australia's enthusiastic uptake of Facebook and MySpace it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that the figures here would be similar."

I have been anti-Facebook/all social networking sites for a long time now and this just gives me more reason to stand by my decision. *lol*

I've always nursed a quiet bitterness at how common my name is, especially back in my younger days when I was reading heaps of fiction sporting names like "Kestrel" and "Iliana". And it's not just my first name that's as common as dirt - my middle and surname too!

Having read that excerpt today, I finally came to see things from a different perspective. Now I actually appreciate my anonymnity because I realise that it gives me the option to be or not to be known and to select what I am known for. If you tried googling my name, thousands of things completely unrelated to me would come up. No potential employer would ever be able to find any dirt on me. *lol* However, the creation of my unique, 10-year-old online identity ensures that anything under this name is directly related to me and only to me. As I intend to become an author and to use my alias as a pseudonym, this will be particularly useful.

Sometimes I am surprised at just how honest people are on these social networking sites and how much they happily divulge to the faceless online public. The only things which really link my online identity back to the real me are my photos. But there are few of those and none of them (that I can recall) are incriminating. *lol*

I'm pretty much just ranting, but I guess the conclusion of all this is...

I will never become a FACEBOOKER! *lol* I am not like those others who sold out. When I say something, I mean it and I stand by it.

I keep my promises.